Your Mom and a Postpartum Doula Can Be a Great Team (with a little caveat)
One of the things I am passionate about in my work as a doula is educating folks about the importance of postpartum doula support in the initial weeks after baby arrives. I have a page dedicated solely to describing my services and why they’re important on my website! (westenddoulacare.com/postpartum-doula-care)
But maybe it’s more accurate to say I’m passionate about educating folks as to why one would pay for postpartum support, IF they have family helping them out.
I’ve said in a previous blog that my own mother came to our home when each of our babies came–that was 5 separate trips, she taking time and energy from her own life to lend help. Her love and support were invaluable for us during those years. Meal preparation, house tidying, laundry upkeep, and, when there were older siblings involved, childcare.
Many young moms I talk to have similar experiences: their mom, or sister, or auntie, come to them to give support and help, once the little one arrives.
What a mom can provide, (or sister, or auntie, or a mother in law) is a special familial relationship with the mother and father that the doula cannot. A doula comes ready to give non judgmental and compassionate care; but as doulas we haven’t given birth to this woman and man; we don’t possess the maternal love for these two that only their mother can have; we are not tied emotionally to this couple like a parent is.
Having one’s mom or trusted relative around during recovery can be a boost to the new parents as they establish themselves in this new role.
(Pausing here to say that not everyone has a positive or helpful relationship with their mom or other family members. I speak to that below.)
But what if we combined the familial love brought with a mom or sister WITH the training and knowledge of a postpartum doula? Wouldn’t THAT be a great team?!
What would it be like to have a postpartum doula on board? Someone who is trained to look for mental and emotional postpartum mood adjustments. Someone who is trained to troubleshoot breastfeeding issues. Someone who can non judmentally and compassionately listen to your birth story. Someone who can help with learning new born care. And someone who has a list at the ready of area services, should you need to get connected with other professionals.
Another doula benefit is the caring, yet objective perspective that she can bring. If the new mom or dad is struggling, it can be difficult for a family member to remain calm and clear headed. A doula comes with an objective view that can help the new family in a time of trouble.
Almost all of the doulas I know are mothers themselves, like I am. So we do come to the proverbial table with a definite sense of ‘mothering’ the mother. And we know what it’s like to be in the shoes of the new mom.
So what about if you had the best of BOTH worlds in your first 8-12 weeks postpartum? You’d have such a great chance to be set up for success by the time the 3 month mark rolls around. Food for thought!
Now, to speak to those mamas who do not have a positive relationship with their mom or other family members.
First, you are NOT alone. It is not uncommon for a woman or man to feel this way. And if you feel that you will best recover without those family members attending to you, then as a postpartum doula I would say this: figure out a way to put boundaries around you that will keep you emotionally and/or mentally safe, while at the same time, forming a plan for a visit where grandma and grandpa can meet the new little one.
Also one might want to consider counseling to help with navigating your life with your new little one and having grandparents in the picture.
Second, hiring a postpartum doula is a helpful way to receive the support you need, while figuring out where these new boundaries lie. In my own experience I have supported two couples who did not have positive or supportive relationships with their parents.
It’s your life and your baby and you call the shots. Make the decision that is best for you.
